“I have 99 problems & 86 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head that I am stressing about for absolutely no logical reason.”
I have struggled with anxiety since my early 20’s, however I only admitted the extent of how bad my anxiety was around a year/2 years ago. Here are some examples of the things that I worry/worried about so much it made me a physical mess:
- Heights. I hate heights. It doesn’t matter if I cannot see how high up I am – just knowing I am high up makes me on edge/unable to relax. Because. I am scared of FALLING and I am scared of buildings falling down? I mean what is the likelihood that is ever going to happen & I worry so much about it when I am somewhere high (or just 2 floors or above) that the building is going to fall down and the fear is so real. Everytime I go away I request ground floor, I hate flying, I hate going on excursions abroad in case I have to go somewhere high, I hate travelling by car in mountains, I love castles but hate that you have to go up high to look around. I will worry about holidays months in advance just because I hate heights this much.
- Medication. When I started my meds – I had a “feeling” that felt incredibly real that I was going to be in the 0.00006% of people that would end up severely disabled or possibly die from this medication. Panic & extreme insomnia for MONTHS beforehand.
- If someone doesn’t text back straight away – When I am in an anxious state, I assume that first I have done something wrong, then I will check what time they were on whatsapp I will then panic myself to death they have had an accident.. and died?
- Breathing. – Always felt like I couldn’t breathe and that scared me so much, I would almost be on the verge of having a panic attack. This was for years – it turns out it is just a lovely MS symptom – the MS hug.
- Unfamiliar places/surroundings/holidays abroad: I am always on edge. Beautiful holiday in Finland once and we took a little break from the snowmobiles, it was late at night and the views were just unreal. There I am unable to take this all in because all I can think about is how easy it would be for someone to just come and kill us right now with no one around. It isn’t just a thought, it is obsessive until I am out of the situation.
- Crowded places – Gigs, shopping centres, festivals. Again I just constantly think the worse will happen – my mind goes full on crazy with actually picturing the tabloids the next day with all the crazy things that have gone wrong..
- Driving – Never liked it & never will. My biggest fear and phobia. I passed on my NINTH TEST because I am scared of it & it makes me anxious. Such a great fear of mine, I will never get over this one – I haven’t been on a dual carriageway since I passed my test. I go to like 3 different places and that’s it. I HATE IT. Anxiety levvvvvvels are HIGH. I sweat, feel sick, feel dizzy every single time I am in my car, and I am not the best passenger either, sorrrry!
- Every time my guinea pigs are sleeping I panic! – “SAMMMM, they are not breathing”. They always are. My go to reaction is ALWAYS worst case scenario.
It took me such a long time to open up about some of the stuff I was thinking when I get anxious – I mean I didn’t really know what people would think if I said I am scared of going somewhere in case I am high up and the building falls down? They probably think I am crackers.
I have had counselling, I have tried breathing exercises and I was put on Sertraline (no longer on this one) – all which help a little bit. I don’t know if my anxiety will ever actually go away fully? I always love to hear what happens to other people as I just cannot imagine a life without these crazy thoughts on a daily basis as it is all I am used to.
People have told me to calm down or even laughed when I tell them why I am so scared or what I am scared of – but the feelings of anxiety are so real, that you genuinely believe it is going to happen/very likely will happen no matter how silly it sounds.
I love that people are more open with mental health issues these days, it has definitely helped me open up and I do think my anxiety is more controllable most of the time.
Does anyone else suffer with anxiety? How do you control it? What do you get anxious about?