ANXIETY.

“I have 99 problems & 86 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head that I am stressing about for absolutely no logical reason.”

I have struggled with anxiety since my early 20’s, however I only admitted the extent of how bad my anxiety was around a year/2 years ago. Here are some examples of the things that I worry/worried about so much it made me a physical mess:

• Heights. I hate heights. It doesn’t matter if I cannot see how high up I am – just knowing I am high up makes me on edge/unable to relax. Because. I am scared of FALLING and I am scared of buildings falling down? I mean what is the likelihood that is ever going to happen & I worry so much about it when I am somewhere high (or just 2 floors or above) that the building is going to fall down and the fear is so real. Everytime I go away I request ground floor, I hate flying, I hate going on excursions abroad in case I have to go somewhere high, I hate travelling by car in mountains, I love castles but hate that you have to go up high to look around. I will worry about holidays months in advance just because I hate heights this much.
• Medication. When I started my meds – I had a “feeling” that felt incredibly real that I was going to be in the 0.00006% of people that would end up severely disabled or possibly die from this medication. Panic & extreme insomnia for MONTHS beforehand.
• If someone doesn’t text back straight away – When I am in an anxious state, I assume that first I have done something wrong, then I will check what time they were on whatsapp I will then panic myself to death they have had an accident.. and died?
• Breathing. – Always felt like I couldn’t breathe and that scared me so much, I would almost be on the verge of having a panic attack. This was for years – it turns out it is just a lovely MS symptom – the MS hug.
• Unfamiliar places/surroundings/holidays abroad: I am always on edge. Beautiful holiday in Finland once and we took a little break from the snowmobiles, it was late at night and the views were just unreal. There I am unable to take this all in because all I can think about is how easy it would be for someone to just come and kill us right now with no one around. It isn’t just a thought, it is obsessive until I am out of the situation.
• Crowded places – Gigs, shopping centres, festivals. Again I just constantly think the worse will happen – my mind goes full on crazy with actually picturing the tabloids the next day with all the crazy things that have gone wrong..
• Driving – Never liked it & never will. My biggest fear and phobia. I passed on my NINTH TEST because I am scared of it & it makes me anxious. Such a great fear of mine, I will never get over this one – I haven’t been on a dual carriageway since I passed my test. I go to like 3 different places and that’s it. I HATE IT. Anxiety levvvvvvels are HIGH. I sweat, feel sick, feel dizzy every single time I am in my car, and I am not the best passenger either, sorrrry!
• Every time my guinea pigs are sleeping I panic! – “SAMMMM, they are not breathing”. They always are. My go to reaction is ALWAYS worst case scenario.

It took me such a long time to open up about some of the stuff I was thinking when I get anxious – I mean I didn’t really know what people would think if I said I am scared of going somewhere in case I am high up and the building falls down? They probably think I am crackers.

I have had counselling, I have tried breathing exercises and I was put on Sertraline (no longer on this one) – all which help a little bit. I don’t know if my anxiety will ever actually go away fully? I always love to hear what happens to other people as I just cannot imagine a life without these crazy thoughts on a daily basis as it is all I am used to.

People have told me to calm down or even laughed when I tell them why I am so scared or what I am scared of – but the feelings of anxiety are so real, that you genuinely believe it is going to happen/very likely will happen no matter how silly it sounds.

I love that people are more open with mental health issues these days, it has definitely helped me open up and I do think my anxiety is more controllable most of the time.

Does anyone else suffer with anxiety? How do you control it? What do you get anxious about?

@Whatabeautifulmsthisis

A year on from my MS diagnosis.

I fully intended on writing weekly but last year was a little bit of a blur. I had just been diagnosed with my Multiple Sclerosis – and I took it fine, or so I thought! But the summer months were filled with anxiety & Insomnia – although at the time I thought I was coping pretty okay, it isn’t until now I realized I may have been struggling a little more than I let on. Going to a wedding on 2 hours sleep for the day and night is not the one, haha!

So I last wrote on here in June 2019 – mid relapse. 2019 was followed by two more relapses – one which was pretty hard to deal with – numbness waist down causing walking difficulties for a month or so & one when I had just started my half dose of meds (Tecfidera) in October 2019- The doctors said it was Labrynthitis but it soon appeared to look very much like a relapse in hindsight. October 2019 was the first time I had to publicly use my cane – it was only for a week or so but the cane is super pretty which made it pretty okay. There are SO many nice canes on amazon!

If I could give any advice to anyone just diagnosed – I promise you it gets easier, the scary thoughts get less. The thoughts of Will I be able to walk in 5,10,15 years? Will I be able to do this in the next 5,10, 15 years? Is this fair on my partner? Will I not be able to not walk at all one day? Will someone have to look after me in the future? What about kids, should I have them still? Will the kids have to look after me ? How will I cope? Of course, I have bad days where they crop up from time to time but I live every day to my absolute fullest, some days I am a little less active or a bit more anxious and that is absolutely okay.

For anyone who is starting medication, I started Tecfidera in September 2019 it is a twice daily tablet taken orally. I was incredibly anxious about the side effects, I googled them for hours as we all do! I just hope that this is reassuring to anyone about to start medication as for me it really seems to be working, I have had no more relapses & I feel the best I have felt in a really, really long time. I hope that this gives someone some hope if they are about to start Tec.

When you have to get your head round the fact that your legs might not work like they used to before (LOL- sorry I definitely had Ed Sheeran in my head) – you absolutely do not take the smallest things for granted anymore, I love that this year I am able to walk to my little village shop and not feel so scared of stumbling over because I cannot feel my legs. I even started UP RUNNING. WHAAAT. Non -diagnosed with MS me could not run 5 seconds and now I am comfortably doing 5k runs & I am kinda enjoying it. (I couldn’t imagine this last year – I wasn’t sure if my symptoms would all go (they haven’t all gone) But you do learn to deal with them, and you find the inner strength to keep going.)

The best line I hear alot of people with MS say is “I have MS, MS doesn’t have me” – and it is so true, it is not a death sentence. I enjoy every single day as much as I can, I am still in my 20’s (although not for much longer) – I still go out with my friends, I still have the drunken nights with shots, I still enjoy everything I would have done before. I just manage my diary a little better, and a little differently!

I un-followed any MS groups that didn’t help with my anxiety – I follow positive people on my instagram, I joined a very helpful group with young, bubbly MS’ers called MS FRIENDS & I STAY AWAY FROM GOOGLE. All of this has helped me immensely & my anxiety is lower than ever to the point I now no longer have my tablets 🙂

When I look back on 2019 I feel overwhelmed, a little sad, a little nauseous. It was the hardest year of my life. At the same time it was one of the best – I saw my mum and stepdad get married after 27 years together, I had an amazing holiday in a villa in Spain, I met one of my now best friends in 2019 (Sammy), we had days out, we had nights in, my best friends absolutely stepped up and exceeded every expectation in the world – they have been on this journey with me every single step of the way, I adopted two fur baby guinea pigs, I entered my first two charity races. My initial thoughts on 2019 seem sad as it was just quite literally full of emotion & I hated to admit it but I was scared. I look back on my photos and I feel happy, and I feel so incredibly fortunate that my journey has been with the most amazing friends, fiance & family I could ever wish for.

I hope that this gives the newly diagnosed a little hope – the first year is pretty rough – but you have got this. A year on, I really do feel more determined than ever to live my best life.

The lead up to diagnosis.

So the numbness, the pins and needles, the shooting electric fuzzy feeling was all still staying. Was it a trapped nerve? Was it sciatica? Immediately being the type of anxious person I am I did jump to the worst conclusion at first- Is it a brain tumor? Is it a tumor on my spine? Is it MS..

I voiced my thoughts and said how scared I was to people at work, my friends, my family, my fiance – but of course they never believed it would be anything serious, told me to stop being silly and that it will go away, its just a trapped nerve. I convinced myself that yes I was being silly and the likelihood of this being anything serious was extremely slim.

So where do I begin? I went to a walk in doctor – told them my symptoms – they told me it was nothing to worry about – it’ll go away. Told me it was probably best to go to a physiotherapist/osteopath who could help. I went to an osteopath for 2 weeks in a row – he was lovely, but he didn’t really know what was up. He suggested I go back to the doctor. I booked my regular normal doctor (who is amazing, thank god!) but she has a long waiting list so I had a month to wait until I saw her. In that time my friend had recommended a physiotherapist who was meant to be really good.

PHYSIO. Fast forward to week 3/4 of physio pre-doctors. I am pretty happy, I think it’s working? I mean, the numbness in my trunk and belly went? The 4th time I went to see my physiotherapist and spoke to her, I sensed she was a little uneasy. Rather than our usual chit chat about dogs and laughing etc she asked me if I still had numbness in my hands. When I replied yes – she gave me a look I just will never forget. She sat me down before my session – she asked me if I had a good doctor, she told me I needed to tell her to run more blood tests and if they don’t they need to refer me to a specialist. I felt nervous obviously – and I was getting anxious and started to panic a little. Why what do you think is wrong with me? She told me. Her words were “worst case scenario you might have MS, you have a lot of early signs”. I just froze. And then I cried. ALOT.

I rang my mum as soon as I got out of from physio. I was hysterical which was not great as it then made her equally as upset. She had a lot of anger towards the physiotherapist saying she has no right to say that, she isn’t a neurologist, she doesn’t know what she is on about.. and I could sense so much panic in mum’s voice, she was scared. I will never ever hold anger towards my physiotherapist, she prepared me, she made me fully aware of what I was expecting to go into with my further tests and I will forever be grateful that she told me her honest thoughts…

To be continued…

The longest hangover.

It is January 2019. As I do every January for approximately 3 weeks after Christmas I was on a serious health kick. “I am only going to drink once a month”, “I am going to work out every day”, “I will not have a takeaway ever again”. It happens every January, it lasts 3 weeks, when that 3 weeks seems to be over and I feel relatively normal again from all the Christmas booze and tubs of chocolate I am ready to have a cheeky night out again, after all I deserve it right?

Night out was great. Shots. Tackiest club you could find. 4am hometime. Chicken nuggets. DONE.

Woke up fully clothed on the floor of our spare room with Sam (my fiance). We do have a bed btw, we chose to sleep on the floor of the spare room as we had guests. JEESUS I was feeling pretty delicate. Wait, I can’t feel my hands. I couldn’t feel a thing. Little bit weird, I must have overdone it on the VK’s after the 5 shots on sambuca last night. This is what you get for partying like you’re 18 at 28 years old. Must be the hangover making my body a little mental, LOL, I will be fine tomorrow. The dominoes pizza will sort me right out.

>>>LET’S FAST FORWARD 1 WEEK.

Jesus, I have really overdone it this time. My hands were still numb. But wait, it was even worse now, in the last 7 days it appears that I have lost feeling in my belly, my lower back& the whole trunk of my body. I know now this is very unlikely to be a hangover (PFFT I knew I didn’t get hangovers really!) , but ohhhh if only it was..

Little did I know these symptoms were the first MAJOR symptoms leading on to my Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis…….. TO BE CONTINUED.